VD

VD

Contrary to what Hallmark says, VD isn’t sexy, nor is it fun. VD says, “There’s problems with your ‘love-choices.’” VD makes me regret the love I’ve never had. VD gives me an itch to infect – you must hurt where I hurt. I decide to fight the epidemic with a shot of falsified truth in Facebook’s arm: I who am not married will be divorced on Valentine’s Day.

Six days before VD (VD-6), I change my Facebook “relationship status” from “Single,” to “In a relationship,” to “It’s complicated,” to “Engaged,” to “Married.” People wonder, “Who is the unlucky lady?” Despite the skepticism, my imaginary marriage goes blissfully along.

Until VD arrives.

I can’t stand this hollow shell of a marriage that I’ve endured these six days. She’s a hag and I hate her kids – that’s right, her kids. Not mine. (Or maybe not mine.) I want to do right by her, but she refuses to be an adult: we won’t go on Springer to finally determine whose DNA is whose.

After the first divorce, a friend reveals: “By the way, your ex is a coke-head….”

I’ll spare the fictional details; but I’ll share the Facebook notes. (And the pictures.)

#1: Our-love-is-here-to-stay (11:46pm 2/14/07)

After all the craziness of the last few days – the going from single, to in a relationship, to married, to divorced – I think I’ve finally learned what love is. Love isn’t “never having to say you’re sorry” – love is having to get your coke-head ex-wife off the junk.

Here’s to many more Valentine Days together, my beloved imaginary wife.

#2: What-is-Love? (11:51am 2/24/07)

Mark Twain said, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

I say that love is like your favorite pair of boxers that you wear rightside out the first day, then inside out the next day, then upside down the third day (because you don’t have time or quarters to do laundry just yet), but on the fourth day you realize that it’s now a part of you & you’re a part of it & that to separate would be more painful than to just keep making it work.

That’s what I say love is.

But my old lady says that it’s crack cocaine.

Sure, our definitions differ – but isn’t that why the dictionary has more than one meaning?

Whatever meaning you find in love, whether it be “dirty” undergarments or “foul” drug use, may your love always be meaningful in a way that brings new meaning to the one who means the most in your life.

But I’m telling you now, if my old lady doesn’t get off the junk, it is so over.

#3: Sonnets-for-my-love (7:47am 3/4/07)

Since I recently married the love of my life, & then divorced her, & then remarried her, I’ve been spending a lot of time reading love poetry.

But since I married & divorced & remarried the same woman in the same week, I’ve been reading a lot of counseling material.

But since the woman I married, divorced, & remarried is a coke-head, I’ve also been reading a lot about chemical dependency, codependency & Depend diapers (different problem).

But since the woman with whom I entered into a unlegal contract is imaginary, I’ve been spending a lot of time just thinking, thinking about what all these nice people at the hospital tell me about “reality.”

I like my room.
It’s very soft.
And white.
No sharp objects.
Come see me.
Please.
Don’t make me ask again.
I will get out of here
& then you’ll be saying, “Please!”

#4: Spring-Cleaning-in-Kentucky (10:41pm 3/18/07)

Spring-cleaning meant getting rid of the trash – my old lady. Currently we’re dividing up the stuff. So far, she got the house and I got the tub.

I doubt we’ll fight over the kids – I don’t want them. They all have three, upside down 9’s on their heads. They’re between their horns (another gift from their real daddy).

Regrets? I do wish that my needle of truth had inoculated at least a few against the blistery sores of the florist/restaurant/teddy bear manufacturer global VD conspiracy. And I do feel sorry for her spawn. The old saying really is true: Only imaginary kids know the real pain that comes from a fake marriage ruined by VD. But I don’t feel bad for my crack-slag/ex-faux-wife. I’m not bitter, but I hope she cleans up Satan’s dog crap with her mouth throughout eternity without end forever amen.